Boxing Day

Dream noted 11 May 2006

I meet _____ Radziwill and am instantly drawn to him. It seems to be mutual. We spend talk, tentatively get to know one another. I feel myself falling deeply in love with him. He is seated, perhaps in a wheelchair. He says, I’m dying. I’m almost dead. I know, I say, it doesn’t matter. Then he is standing and he draws me into a wide, warm embrace. I feel very loved, peaceful, accepted. My arms are around him too. He is much taller than me.

***
26 December 2009
The Americans (or Answering Andrew Marvell)

Why should Fate tear us apart?
What is Fate to us?
Aren't we adults?
Don't we have free will?
What are the impediments - now?

Are we a pair of masochists
Thus torturing ourselves
Are we so metaphysical
That we fear that on meeting
Our love might awkwardly end?
No that is not what I meant at all,
she sighed - oh, the horror of that.

Bliss snakes through Despair as
I think of you
So far away
Thinking of me.

Is there a reward in the end
for all this torture
I enter it willingly myself.
Why? It makes no sense.
And yet forever I am drawn to you, to you.
Are we, in a sense, possessed -- ?
I am dying, says ____ Radziwill to me.
I know, I say, it doesn't matter.

But if so
Then why should a rational God rule,
thwart us from love?
Towards what end?
And will it have been worth it in the end?

At our ages
we are hardly wanton -
it's not defying God for us to be together,
but rather a cruel tradition of empty continuity
Thus it always was, Thus it shall be.

No! I defy that
That is not God
talking, and
"Fate" be damned - That's man.
That's the Puritans who killed happiness.