Saturday, March 10, 2012

Portrait of a Lady

Message from Belle to T~~, this afternoon
Hi T~~ - I thought I'd send you one more message. I really have enjoyed your creative, poetic, yearning posts very much. I imagine that you have rejected the notion of me, probably due to distance & the fact that I'm married, or maybe both. I guess I just wanted to send you a photo, since you'd been kind enough to send a few of yourself. And also to let you know - just something to think about.... well, you've been posting quite a lot, from what I've gathered (I've only been looking at CL personals for about 3-4 weeks now). And you know how scarce/rare compatible souls are out there, I'm sure. And at our ages, 52, 53 --- there's going to be history, and baggage. I've been married for a very long time, and have been entirely faithful for the entire marriage. But it seems that my marriage did not survive the move upstate to the country, for whatever reasons. My husband withdrew his affections, slowly but surely, became withdrawn. It took a long time, but all the love went out of it. We cohabit as housemates now, at this point. I don't have any good options. I know it would be easy for some to be quite summary about it -- well, just leave him! get divorced! I do not have any family or friends to go to, as a buffer. I don't have a job currently (though I worked most of my adult life), and job prospects are scarce to nil up here. So I feel stuck. So some might be shocked that "a married woman is looking." But I think there is a difference between someone like myself, who has a lot of love to give, and is stuck in a dead-end, childless, loveless marriage, who does not wish to live out the rest of her days in this fashion. Versus, say, the type of person who is a complacent, serial philanderer -- you know, the typical "FWB NSA" scenario.

I realize - though you didn't specify - that you're probably looking for an unattached woman, but I guess I'd just like to say -- well, if one doesn't materialize... then keep someone such as myself in mind -- because I'm for real, even if I'm not in the most blithe, free situation. It isn't easy. I don't know if you've ever been married -- my sense, somehow, is that you haven't been -- but I can tell you that for a very great many of us -- good, decent, well-meaning people -- longlived marriages are a terribly difficult thing, once the love has gone out. And I have to say -- that for the 20 years that I was happy in my marriage -- I was very happy -- couldn't imagine anything other than we'd be happy together for the rest of our days. But when personalities change -- it's like "Body Snatchers" -- it's like suddenly finding myself married to a stranger, someone I hardly even recognize.

Anyway, I'm going on & on here -- but again, I just sense a possible kindred spirit in you -- and so I'm taking this chance to write to you again.

If you'd ever possibly like to meet for coffee or a glass of merlot -- quite often on a Sunday afternoon I'll take a drive down to Rhinebeck, usually to go to the movies there. But if you ever felt like meeting me there -- well, I'd enjoy that very much, even if nothing comes of it at all.

Anyway, hope you're enjoying a glorious afternoon. I'm about to go out for my daily vigorous walk. And also stop by the Episcopalian church -- and practice a few hymns for tomorrow's service. Yes, believe it or not - this lapsed Catholic is the organist for this tiny provincial congregation! And I'm fine with it. I believe that Jesus would like to see me happy. I think He was much more worried about power-mad, egotistical, greedy predatory narcissists who run through people -- not overeducated menopausal lonely housewives who wish nothing more than to love and to be loved. Yours truly, Belle

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