Friday, March 23, 2012

Oh honey, thinking of you all day, sitting here now listening to children shriek in joyful play outdoors, a neighbor's yard, where a large, tall, safety-screened trampoline has been set up to channel and contain their energy - sounds, and looks like fun. Nothing to report in CL news, I think it's turning into a bust, though I'm sort of hooked on reading men's posts, even if they're not remotely suitable for me (guys in their 20s or 30s, for example) - I'm just looking for mini-short stories. I managed a trifecta today, plus a run-through of hymns at the church, so I feel as though my 'to-do' list of sorts was accomplished. I feel as though I've put on a few pounds lately -- a little too much pasta the last few days, plus Chinese takeout last weekend - not so much of it, but that stuff is lethal, in terms of calories & sodium. And I feel myself slipping away, ever so slightly, from my rigorous home workout regimes - what used to be "4-5x/wk" is now more like three (for sure) - with four a stretch. Ah, but I turn on Dr. Oz, and I have to say I become re-inspired to move my body and get fit -- even if I don't quite groove on all the obscure supplements he's extolling.

Sweetheart, I am just sitting here sipping pink wine & tapping my fingers along the keys. I was just glancing at "men looking for women" ads, men age 52-60, in the greater Boston area... a few more-interesting posts, than are to be found in these provincial outposts. I'm not in a Joseph-Cornell box (not even the hummingbird glass dome piece), but I'm in some sort of box -- that I can't seem to get out of, and that is, and isn't of my own making. I mean, if D's and my marriage had been less than happy (from my point of view anyway) when we were selling our apartment and planning where to move -- I wouldn't have chosen such a socially isolating place. But I thought we were happy, so it didn't seem to matter -- I definitely wasn't thinking -- wow, the quality of M seeking W in an area that doesn't even have its own defined category on CL -- man, that's going to be tough for me.

So we/I should have stayed in the city? Where I had to work for a living, and also do all the housecleaning (D did a lot of the cooking), but was much too exhausted by the end of any given day, for romance, going out, doing much of anything beyond collapsing with a glass of wine & a meal and conversing with D... As I got older in Brooklyn, I stopped going out of my way to exercise, even, besides walking -- I just didn't have the time or energy.

Oh anyway, there's hardly any point in reviewing that ancient history. It's just that the situation I find myself in -- I didn't see it coming, I really didn't. And not that it's all bad. I mean, parts are really good. I like the leisurely, unstressful pace of my days. I like not having to report to a loathsome boss - such as my last one, P., and her moronic bully, K. That said, sometimes I miss working with a very congenial boss... which did happen for me over the years -- really, in the end, looking back -- it wasn't the content/subject matter of a job that ultimately sustained/engaged me -- it was whether I got along with a boss. And I did have a few, really great, cherished (in my memory to this day) ones -- that somehow could deal with someone like me, who had a lot to give on a job, but just not "jack of all trades" in "all ways" "all the time."

I couldn't have sustained an affair in any part of that past, not that I even wanted one. It's only now, that I have the time & leisure, really, and the distinct lack of most other contacts of any form.

I have to say that -- well mostly I've expurgated someone from my thinking, I am simply so disgusted and done -- and yet I envy, simply, his energy, his testosterone, his methodical way of setting up a life for himself that worked for him, his drive. I wish - I suppose - I had some of that - genuinely so, I mean. I used to force it -- try to be more 'career-oriented' and 'assertive' and 'goal-oriented' and 'positive' than I naturally was -- which I could do, and credibly fake, and kid even myself (what was the alternative? approval from anybody whoever lay only in trying to project & enact those qualities). And now I can't. Not that I've 'lain down & died' -- that's not what I mean, far from it...

oh anyway, enough rambling, sweetheart
how are you, I wonder?
well, you're not in my particular predicament, of course
you're in yours -- and maybe it works for you, just as it is, I don't know
it's impossible - it's okay - WWIII wouldn't be big enough to describe the scandal it would cause
no - just as well it remains a constellation of stars overhead, as in Titian's painting, of Bacchus & Ariadne ---

I do wonder about you though, I keep reviewing the little shards of fragmented memories & images I have
& one springs to mind
it was some years ago, a visit to Jersey - a day trip
maybe it was for my aunt & uncle's 50th? I don't recall the occasion
but I was getting ready to leave - I was in the kitchen
and your eldest daughter, not very old at the time (high school?)
sprang into the kitchen and planted herself in front of me and absolutely scanned & studied me, very deliberately
and (I figure) she judged -- 'nah, couldn't be' --
and I just stood there looking at her - numbly, as per my usual - what?
I'm always a fish out of water there -- that is, I'm not of "the tribe"

anyway, when I think of that, especially since I'm uncertain as to the timing,
it just makes me wonder - how long I might have been on your radar?

I don't know -- I don't mean to dwell on it, or re-create 'drama'
but it's an image that springs to mind sometimes, as I think about things
your daughter, sensing something, squarely planting herself to investigate
she has your legs & hips, I think - or something like them
I remember very fondly the image of you -- standing frozen in place -
your beautiful hips & legs swiveled, as you piercingly regarded me

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