Friday, March 2, 2012

Hello darling, I wish so much that you & I could just spend a quiet evening together, have a glass of wine at p.m. maybe, or here, or wherever, a B&B in town would be nice - because I don't like the idea of doing it here, my house, too wrapped up with other associations. I am just feeling, oh - I miss you, I think we'd have a nice time together, I think we get each other, and it would be relaxing, and there wouldn't be much "explaining." Wordless sounds good to me. No, not just that. Just the depth of understanding, a given, so that there's all this warmth, and relaxation, and acceptance.

I have found myself googling 'orgasm migraine.' Yes, darling, in the cruelties that one could not possibly make up, that, it seems, is my new affliction. I had my first one ever last Saturday, thought I might be having a stroke (but since we don't have health insurance - so what). And I've had a couple since then, this week, at just that point, and sure enough, one this afternoon, as well. I can hardly believe it. My mother was a migraine sufferer, and I had a boss once who was so severely afflicted that she would give herself injections with some sort of painkiller.

Until last week, I've never had a migraine, or been much of a headache sufferer whatsoever, my entire life. The only time I've ever really had headaches is if I had way too much to drink, or mixed alcohols -- you know, the self-inflicted ones. But I don't have those; I drink my quantity of wine these days but not so much that I wake up hungover or headachey (or only extremely rarely).

Oh man, but now I relate to headache & migraine sufferers, good God. And having googled it, it seems to be a not-uncommon malady.

Except - seriously. I'm 52. I've had, off & on, a wonderful sex life over the years, no problems. Then there was a long, very long dry spell, in recent years. And then I rediscovered my capacity for sexuality via toys, about ten months ago. And things have gone swimmingly for me that way, except for the longing for another, for touch, for "corporeality." But in terms of being able to orgasm, it's been a revelation. And until a week ago, it was utterly uneventful except in the sense of bliss.

This really totally sucks now, the advent of this development, just as, for the first time in a long time, I am joyfully anticipating perhaps intimately encountering a lover at some point. But what if I get a splitting migraine right at the crucial moment? I'm not fearful/paranoid of it yet, it's too new a development. And fortunately with my new friend, it does seem things are going slow, very slow... and so that might help, I don't know, less pressure. It's as though I intensify thoughts, focus, at that moment -- and then bam -- "thunderclap headache," as they're aptly termed. I've popped an aspirin since - a couple of hours ago - and the pain still lingers, though not as excruciatingly. And still through it, I managed to make myself come, even through that pain. Well, it's one thing to do that on one's own, but with a lover?

Anyway, that's the newest. Oh great. Because one thing this blog has never been, is some sort of log of medical woes, enfeeblements, reports of doctor visits, and all of the tedious above. And I don't wish it to be.

Still, a sudden splitting headache, is a sudden splitting headache. I can't rise above it.

I was a philosophy major in college, and I remember some rueful observation about, perhaps it was Descartes. That had he ever suffered from, say, an abscessed tooth, he wouldn't have been quite so bifurcated on the mind/body split. "There never was a philosopher who [that?] could tolerate a toothache."

Love you, sweetheart. Perhaps we wouldn't have to explain ourselves to each other. That would be nice.

Sweet dreams, many kisses.

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