Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Oh my dearest love, why are our pleasures so short and interrupted?, and song of solomon

-- query search-terms, landing on my blog, yesterday evening
Darling - was that you, lighting on my blog in that fashion? That was beautiful, and referencing the exquisite Song of Solomon too, though that line isn't in it. I hope I didn't inadvertently frustrate you with my post yesterday -- I suppose I became frustrated myself, words could not express what kisses, and gropings beneath a silken moleskin parka could...

Sweetheart, it is suddenly summer up here, okay spring, but a strange one -- well into the seventies, even a touch muggy (a storm is possible), so balmy & warm that I'm in my shirtsleeves, a couple of windows open. Birds are tweeting, sounds wafting in from outdoors so peaceful, wind chimes softly tinkling, notes here & there, gentle whooshes of occasional distant traffic on the highway. If it's this warm here, how is it by you? Ah, I would like nothing better than to hang out at your neighbor's pool, just you & me -- that is, if your neighbor is away, the house & garden are utterly secluded, and I'm wearing not a faux-fur trimmed pelt, but a swimsuit - if that. And we plunge into the clear blue lapping diamond ripples of the pristine oblong container of water, and swim a few lengths to stretch our limbs, and then meet in the middle, and kiss like mad, as in that week with Marilyn...

Ah, it's clouding over now, and since there are no leaves on the trees, things are looking very bleached and gray indeed. I have so little to report, my dearest, I think of you, and you are a great comfort to me, settle me right down, when I wake in the middle of the night, my heart pounding, mind futilely racing. I went for a walk today, trying to get to the bottom of my constant subterranean mental agitation, to no avail -- except -- maybe it wasn't on my walk, actually, it was moments before, while I sat at the organ in the church, reviewing next week's hymns (& good thing too - because one of them is quite difficult indeed, I'm going to have to spend time working it out). Anyway, as I sat in that peaceful church, all to myself (except for -- ?, because I never feel utterly alone there, I somehow sense, that someone or something is behind me, observing me --- there is something about that ancient edifice) -- the thought occurred to me -- that I might not have been so upset, or so unsettled by him, fruitlessly and unnecessarily so, over a long period of time, if he could have simply said - after his brief flurry of very intense epistolary wooing -- you know, I can't really give you details, but I've met someone here, and so it's been so nice remembering about you, but really now my thoughts are turning elsewhere --

and so I sat at the organ thinking - and I think I murmured it out loud - to the empty rafters -- if he could only have told me that much

and then I went through the hymns, and spent time with the complicated one, and afterward left the pine-cone church, nestled among very old pines, and shut the dark-brown painted door behind me, and continued my walk, and wondered why I can never seem to find simple peace -- and then I thought -- it's going to seem petty, and maybe it is, but I'm going to have to delete him. I've been thinking about doing so for quite a long while, had a draft post ready to go, to that effect, for the past month or more - but I don't know, it always seemed so - well, as I said - petty. Or in CL terms -- because a lot of the male posters specifically state that they don't want "drama" (whatever that is - exactly - that they mean; I take it to mean, not so much "I dislike histrionics," as -- don't have a life, enmeshed context, a history) - well, my summarily flushing him might be viewed as "drama." Oh so what. Actually, it felt empowering to resolve to do so, it's my blog after all, my "front door" (though I know there are back entrances of sorts, that I have no control over, but - well, c'est la vie) -- at least I can assert the merest gesture, a semblance of control. But it may be enough, going through the motions a bit.

Love you, sweetheart. Hope all is well. Oh look, the sun is coming out again, all bright and shiny, the day outside my window glinting like a new silver dime.


Note: I've decided to block desertrat5 as a follower; I suspect I know who it is, the covert nature of his following has bothered me from the start, I don't wish to think about him anymore, and so I've decided - no more. If I'm mistaken and it's in fact a complete benevolent stranger who lit here for whatever reason, then please accept my apologies and don't take my having blocked you personally. Though I would add that a while back, I did ask you to drop me a line about yourself - and evidently you decided to not deign to come out of the shadows, for the briefest moment, to let me, via a private message, know.

Apologies for this bit of housekeeping, but it happens.

...immediately return
the rat to its cage
if it starts to become frustrated.

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