Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Hi sweetheart, it's been the most beautiful springlike day, sunny, mild, and I notice that bulb shoots are coming up in the flower borders, daffodils, hyacinth. I'm sitting here musing in my typical (of late) airhead fashion, suddenly feeling a bit more materialistic than I ever do. I think I look nice enough (though someone quite viscerally begged to differ, a couple of weeks ago, really shockingly naked about it). So if/when I respond to any CL ads these days I have thought to include, "so if in your-heart-of-hearts you're looking for Heidi Klum or the like, then I'm not for you!" Still, I think, just in a mild, musing fun way, what would it be like if someone gave me a day at a beauty spa, and I had all the works? Facial, massage, manicure, pedicure, makeup, haircolor & trim, I don't even know what else --- just everything but everything that could be offered. Would I be physically transformed? In a way that might create chemistry or allure, that wouldn't otherwise be there?

I'm thinking about the guy I met yesterday, I liked him very much. He and I had an amazing amount in common, in terms of our situations, and also that we're both very bright, intelligent, humorous, inquisitive. I wasn't instantly sexually or 'chemically' attracted to him; neither was I turned off, however. I really enjoyed talking with him. I'd like to again. At the moment I feel as though I'd like to be friends with him - or almost like brother/sister, be able to get together in a super-friendly fashion & compare notes & commiserate. But how realistic is that? And also -- well, I have no idea if he'll contact me again or not. And I wouldn't be surprised if he may feel similarly, that he had a great time talking with me - but is the erotic 'spark' there?

I'm not sure if I can tell quite so soon off the bat. I think about you, I keep thinking about you. I think, just now -- well, what if I had just met you for the very first time, and we were getting together for a date? I can picture you driving us to wherever we would be going. We wouldn't know each other at all, and I can hear you, with your gentle, distinctly accented voice, speaking, commenting, politely querying of me, commenting in response, answering questions I might have of you. Would I be 'instantly' drawn to you, in that circumstance? I'm not sure.

It seems to me that the sparks flew between the two of us, only after many years of slight acquaintance -- on how many occasions, in total, have we ever encountered each other? Perhaps a dozen in twice that number of years? And yet I can easily conjure, remember flickers of attraction I felt towards you, at various instances -- at your wedding for one, which was possibly the first time I ever met you (possibly I even had to beat down a feeling -- uncharacteristic for me -- of envy, of coveting, of regret). I can still remember the way you looked in your tux, the tilt of your head, you were somewhat in shadows in the receiving line of the hotel wedding reception, as we briefly touched hands. I don't know -- I always liked you, but never thought of you 'that way', or if I did I'd immediately quash it, stamp it out, like an ember or dropped match that unattended might threaten to catch fire.

So - it's hard to know. I know that I'm willing to try to get to know a person, if there's any sense of connection or attraction there at all, see if things develop. But I also know in myself, that I can't fake attraction. I did try that once, a very long time ago, with someone I went out with for quite a while -- way too long. I tried so hard to like him, and to feel attracted to him -- and I just couldn't, and things didn't go well at all. There's no use 'forcing' things, or 'trying too hard.'

But still, I think about you so much, and care about you, and you continue to be a wondrous presence in my life, not there, and present, all at once...

I don't know much about you at all! I probably know more about the interests & mind of the man I conversed with for a couple of hours yesterday, than I do about you. What are your 'hobbies', dearest?

And so on a first date with you, you driving a big 'ol dreamboat of a car, by turns looking at the road ahead, glancing over at me, peering at the rear view mirror -- we might very well not ever wish to touch hands, or to kiss.

But now, my love, under those very same circumstances, were we to be in that way together -- for the first time! -- that's just what I'd want to do. And I probably wouldn't unbuckle my seatbelt, because it's unsafe to, but I would reach my left hand over to yours, and I think you are so sufficiently and beautifully and assuredly grounded in yourself, that you would put your right hand in mine, and be able to steer the car along the scenic byway with just one hand, and I wouldn't feel anxious about it in the least, it would be all 'comme il faut' between us.

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