Thursday, March 15, 2012

Hi my dearest Pablo (oh you're so much sweeter than him), up in the aerie at the end of the day, sunk in this chair, reflecting on the day. I've actually been writing quite a bit all day, email exchanges with a CL man, it's been nice, interesting, his reactions and responses are very thoughtful & some of them quite visceral as well, very engaging, and I do feel 'heard.' And also -- well, it's just so nice having someone actually write back to me -- to have an actual conversation, if only online. So we'll see. I don't hold out much hope from any one such encounter. And yet I continue to hold out a tiny lit match of hope in the concept of CL -- that so many people are looking, most of them probably not in good faith - but some yes -- and that I subscribe to the buckshot theory -- just keep shooting, shooting, not randomly, wantonly, try to aim, pick the posts that speak to me somehow, just keep trying, keep at it... and maybe, just maybe -- I'll hit the target. Because other than the buckshot theory -- what do I have? Doing nothing, languishing even more --- so taking up that old dusty rifle, clapping on my hat, stepping out into the fields, and aiming at the clay pigeons seems at least - proactive!

And even if nothing comes of it (as frankly - and I'm an optimist - I expect) it is so interesting to get a glimpse into another person's life, and psyche. It is as close to 'meeting people' as I am getting these days -- and I do enjoy meeting people, and having conversations, and getting to know someone - just out of curiosity, for who they are -- even if the spark doesn't ignite -- even as anyone 'for real' on CL - hopes, of course, that it does.

And that spark can ignite at any moment -- one doesn't see it coming. In an instant at ShopRite some time ago, when I glimpsed the Adonis of the Utz chips (to date, never a second sighting). Or - how about you, sweetheart? So many years we were in distant oblique orbits around more central planets -- and then suddenly -- we transited! Or something. I don't know my astronomical references very well, and also I have slid, as into another dimension, into another metaphor -- hopelessly mixing them, akin to sinking hopelessly into quicksand... forevermore...

Let me lie flat on my back, arms & limbs outstretched. That's the way to save one's self from quicksand - did you know that?

Ah -- roughly what I feel like doing with you right now, your having your way with me, however you like...

I mean, since the match finally flared after being struck against the box how many times?

Love you darling -- wherever you are, I hope you've been having a wonderful day
many kisses

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