Thursday, April 26, 2012

Oh hi Lenore, a little shout-out to you - don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I know - my blog has been a bit shocking lately, even to me, I hardly know what to say myself. I'm in an awkward spot, doing the best I can. Trying to be sensible, but at the same time trying to get myself out there somehow, best I can. It's hard. And I have to say that most of the individuals I have met, corresponded with for a bit, thus far, have been in straitened circumstances themselves, not easy. I really am here, pretty much on my own. D resents the hell out of me, not surprisingly. I'm stuck. I write this blog, and I'm looking for someone else - in a genuine way, I mean. Most other interests, other than taking long walks & doing home pilates workouts, have fallen by the wayside. I feel very anxious myself, I can't concentrate on anything. I haven't read a book, novel or other, in ages. I page through the NYRB in the bathroom. It's anxiety, and uncertainty. Because actually I feel in very good spirits -- I don't feel depressed at all. Just anxious, because I'm so alone, and without resources, except for what I have in my own person. And if I feel anger -- it's not really towards D, so much, because I know that he's been battling his own demons & anxieties, and things played out the way they did. But do I feel anger? Yes, I do. But mostly I bury it, because there is simply no point, there is no going anywhere with it. The anger I feel is towards the members of my nuclear family of origin. It was a very brutal environment, my parents were in their respective ways brutal extremely damaged people... and I have three siblings, all younger, and I am not in touch with any of them, they are not 'resources' for me. It's kind of awful. So yes, I will try hard to not get myself raped & killed. But at the same time, I don't have a lot of options. I'm playing the buckshot theory -- trying to respond, in a bona fide way to the posts that speak to me. Sure, there will be missteps, misadventures.

These days, also -- just very recently actually -- I've been looking at a lot of youp*rn videos -- and the sheer quantity of it, myriadly categorized, absolutely astounds me. Who are these people? Maybe they're the ones, some of the young women in particular, whom I personally have viewed online -- and become extremely aroused -- to be concerned about.

Because I'll be okay. Mostly I've had a whole bunch, a revolving door full, of first dates, and -- well, nothing yet. And there will be some danger, and even some anger, and not everyone has realistic expectations, for sure.

And I've been able to say, even as I've parted company for good with most of my 'first date' meet-ups, that I could have it way, way worse. My current situation isn't tenable for me, I simply cannot play out the rest of my life in this fashion, along with the sense (because someone asked me yesterday - so why no children? it seems like you would have made a great mom!) that I made a colossal strategic life-choice error in a spouse.

But the fact of the matter is that, as much as the house is aesthetically in many respects unsightly (weeds sprouting out of the old asphalt driveway, for example), I have a room of my own in which I sleep, I'm typing now in my upstairs aerie, ice clinks in my glass, and no one has or is about to serve me with papers.

I am very sorry that where I'm at is at this pass. Also, I don't have health insurance. I haven't been to the dentist in years.

No -- in this New Gilded Age --

the "Gilded" abhor me -- among them figuring my brothers and my sister - who disdain me - word about their town? I'm "needy"

and I'm sure the obese, downtrodden, diabetic T-Party types - view me as "snobbish"

So - yes - this Alice -- in Wonderland -- but not one of Lewis Carroll's creation with Tenniel's illustrations -- you know, I sort of hate that book -- because it's given to girls -- I puzzled over it very greatly in my youth -- and it's only more recently that I understand -- that I don't even need the metaphorical pretext & overlay of the "Alice" imagery -- it is extremely difficult -- speaking strictly for myself -- to be me --

I have a date, as a matter of fact, tomorrow afternoon
we're meeting at a Lowe's, because it's a "big target" for me, I'm more likely to find this one
and then we'll have lunch (maybe) at a nearby chain restaurant

honestly? I don't hold out huge hopes for it
but it's what I've got -- and I'll follow that lead
a sort of Year 2012 Canterbury Tales, maybe?

not that I ever really read the Canterbury Tales

love you sweetheart
oh and yeah -- let me put out a great big shout-out -- if, of my caring readers, you know of a man that you think -- they would be perfect together -- well please by all means -- send him my way -- or I his!


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