Hi sweetheart, sitting up here in a bit of a resigned mood, I don't know, things aren't going so well. I just saw a CL post, and wondered if it was the guy I saw last week, though he's way over "40." Honestly, I think "coffee and a handjob (I'm kidding well not really)" was all he wanted, plus maybe someone, at least for an afternoon, to listen to his stories. Maybe his therapist was on vacation that week, I don't know. No, I don't mean to be snarky.

I broached the idea of the June wedding to D, as it would constitute an upcoming expense. He isn't interested in attending, he has no connection with my side of the family, any more than I have feeling for or connection with his. He asked the date -- and it happens to be on his birthday. To which he snickered sardonically. Look, I didn't choose that date, I said. I really didn't need the bitter response. What does he want from me? He wants me to leave, is what -- which I mentioned to the guy I saw last week, who answered (sardonically) -- oh and leave the house to him I suppose. Yes, probably that’s the scenario D has in mind.

Anyway, so I suppose tomorrow I'll formally RSVP, and try to figure out about room rates at the hotel where the reception is to take place. And of course immediately -- on my walk this glorious sunny afternoon, as I marched around the country roads here with my weights -- I daydreamed a scenario where you & I can steal away for maybe not even so long from the dancing & partying in the banquet hall - and who knows - have -- well not coffee, and not a handjob -- but just a good quick amazing time just the two of us in the Room of My Own. Do you like that fantasy, darling? I know you won't do it (oh - but prove me wrong!).

Oh what else. Responded to a CL post today, entitled "Must Love NPR." To which I wrote a mini-essay, in which I came clean and admitted that I didn't love NPR so much as the "idea" of NPR... The guy is 100 miles from me probably -- plus I don't love NPR (a must!!) -- so I don't expect a response back.

I've been feeling like a bit of an awkward, insensitive jerk to one guy, who seems to be a real sweetheart, and we connect on some levels, but not I don't think on others, you know the ones. And I think it's accounting for my mood, a little bit, of -- oh where am I going? who do I want really? what is the point of all of this?

Also, I get quite a few page hits from "Schenectady," only I'm not sure it's really Schenectady. I've mentioned this before, and will now again -- if it's this one guy from Litchfield County I went on an ill-fated walk with, listen, if you like my blog so much -- well, I wish you'd end the mystery and just send me a quick message saying that it's you -- it'd be fine with me, I'd be happy with that -- we connected in writing, & not in person -- I totally get it.

But I'm really hoping that it's not this other person, a woman, who creepily glommed onto my blog at one point, a long time ago, and now may be back. I mean, I realize that my blog is in the public realm and all that. But you (if it's you) are reminding me of the sort of repressed character that Judi Dench would play, and has done so, to great effect. Gawd, I've probably just encouraged her.

That's a frustration of my blog, I never really know the small handful cast of characters following it. I mean, sometimes I do. But mostly it's a mystery. Who's "Russia," for example, the veiled pagehits from there this morning? Is it 1.0 -- abroad?

Because it seems that, since my CL tryst -- the one last week I mean, that got consummated -- hasn't actually panned out, I found myself - yes, a little bitterly - returning to thoughts of 1.0, which is just completely ridiculous on my part. What a colossal waste of time.

Oh -- so darling -- are you still with me? If you're not, I wouldn't blame you. It's a snapshot of my mood at the moment, not the best.

Anyway, at that hotel, if we could steal away for a few moments, I would totally give you a handjob, as long as you kiss me -- and -- well that's not a sin that you'd have to confess, is it? so long as it's not "consummated"? I mean, you're the Roman Catholic -- you tell me. But preferably not while we're "having coffee."

Love you, darling
(other angels too)