Monday, April 9, 2012

Ah sweetheart, the wedding invite (very lovely) arrived in the mail, so I'm not feeling so paranoid anymore. I had been, because from a certain quarter I'd been led to expect that the invitations would be mailed in February... oh what does it matter. I hope I can attend, I'll try to, might be tricky, we'll see.

I kept myself very busy today, trying not to think about my new friend, 'waiting for the phone to ring', or rather, for an email message to appear. He's awfully busy. He's not much into emailing either, due to a reading/writing disorder. So I admit I am feeling a bit hanging, at the moment. But also I recognize that I'm simply on a different speed than he is -- I have all kinds of time on my hands that I struggle to fill; he's pushed & pulled & needed & called-upon fifty different urgent ways sideways, it's just a completely different thing. So I am trying not to feel too 'needy' -- and certainly not to project it -- no, I will simply have to wait for a message again from him. This stuff regurgitates, recycles, backs up, brings up feelings I had from decades ago -- waiting game stuff, that drove me absolutely crazy, still does -- no wonder I married D, I guess -- there was none of that. And afterward, I proceeded to seal myself up in various ways, bad ways, so as to not feel much of anything, as I had to go through my life, my obligations. I smoked, I put on weight, I ate too much, and of the wrong things -- I had absolutely no idea as to how to properly live. Well, anyway, that's all changed now -- I have been a mother to myself -- and now I'm fit & quite trim & health-conscious and eat well and exercise religiously.

Today I went on not just one but two walks, spaced hours apart, and I have to say that I noticed and greatly enjoyed a feeling of fleet-footedness -- I've never been a runner, and I'm full-figured, and still have pounds to lose -- and yet I felt that I was, without a lot of effort, moving efficiently, athletically even, lightly and swiftly over the ground behind the church, shortcutting through greening dark chill cemetery yard to pinestrewn trail leading down to creekside road.

I have so much to give, and I give it. In passionate, heartfelt kisses, the other day. In my organ playing yesterday -- I received the loveliest message from the Reverend, thanking me for that, and mentioning how she loves to watch me play because I put my whole self into it and seem so very joyful. And I am, when I play, I get into it. I've been watching/listening to this netflix'd David Gray concert DVD, and he completely throws his head and body into it when he sings and plays. I think there were a couple of moments in there yesterday when I thought of him, just becoming very physically involved with making music. Also, at one point, as I dug into it in that way, I imagined - for some reason - some Asian woman (or maybe man) cellist or violinist absolutely physically digging into, diving, delving, very physically the impassioned jutted production of music via one's body, hand grasping tool working at, seizing instrument.

I hope I hear from him again, I really do. I really like him. He pulled his ad over the weekend, hasn't, far as I can tell, reposted another. Because of me? Or did he meet someone else, even after he'd -- . Well, it happens, I think of Jerry Seinfeld's wife, who was engaged, maybe even freshly newlywed to someone else, and all of a sudden Jerry -- well, whatever her first husband or fiance thought - he was now history. I hope I'm not history. He's the first - only, really - CL guy I connected with. And it seems unlikely -- ?? -- that in 24 or 48 hours he might have found someone else he felt like ---

No, I just have to be the tiniest bit patient -- give him time, and room, and all that

And so -- wow, I'm going to be really trim -- am already, but what with two walks today & a workout (oh, & a session too) == what's 'plus one' for trifecta? Because it was four, four, four --- oh, okay, baseball metaphors, let's see, I rounded the bases -- no it wasn't a homerun, it was -- well, who knows, just spring training, I was throwing the ball around - and next thing I knew I was back home again

hope I see you in - June?


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