Monday, April 23, 2012

Hi sweetheart, back up in the aerie, home way before dark, after yet another CL date. The guy was really nice, a sweetheart, we strolled around a high-end premium mall outlet in the Berkshires, a place I absolutely abhorred, though it was pleasant enough to stroll around the faux-village of brand-name shops. The place reminded me of that TV series from the sixties, The Prisoner, with Patrick McGoohan, it just seemed so false, and sealed off, and decontextualized from the surrounding breathtaking landscape that one wasn't supposed really to glimpse -- lovely Berkshire mountain views -- all the better to focus on shopping. There was even, my companion pointed out, at the edge of one of the parking lots, a huge empty cage, labeled "Pet Enclosure Area" -- they'd thought of everything! We didn't step into any of the shops - the encounter certainly wasn't about shopping -- not in that sense anyway. We found the foodcourt and he bought me a cup of coffee, and we conversed and shared notes and talked, and then we got up and left the foodcourt, and strolled around the faux-village outside some more.

And it's not even that it was an inauspicious place to meet. In a weird way, it kind of worked. Neither one of us had ever been there before. And so there was this air of unreality to it.

I like the guy, he's a really nice good intelligent man, and good-looking, but I wasn't attracted to him. Absolutely no sparks, no kindling. I wish there might have been, on some level -- oh snap out of it! I can't sleep with every man I meet, for whatever reason. I knew, as genial a time as he & I had, that he wasn't The One. And yes, I am searching for The One, I can't help it. And that's what I told him -- that I need to feel a strong romantic connection -- and he said that he could see that I wasn't exactly the FWB type, which he isn't either. It didn't work, but we had a pleasant afternoon, and at the end I very sincerely shook his hand and even gave him a hug and said you're such a nice guy -- and we wished each other the best, as we go back to CL, him to his postings, me to my perusings.

On the beautiful drive back (about 45 minutes) I felt so happy to be back behind the wheel, obeying speed limits, watching the hilly scenery roll past -- and thinking, again, of you. I thought, in an offhand way, Oh You, you are so lucky that I have romantic feeling towards you, since I feel it towards so very few men, ever -- consider yourself lucky! Which even as I silently uttered this thought to myself, I could wryly sense my own skepticism as to how lucky you might actually feel, about my affection for you... (Sweetheart, I am wrapping my arms around you now, and who knows what else around what else, as I think of this now, up in the aerie).

The man I met with this afternoon though, gave me a great line -- it wasn't all at once, I put it together upon reflection as I drove back through the Berkshire highways to the Columbia County ones --- and burst out laughing with huge hilarity to think of it -- and reflect on it -- again, with a huge sense of irony --

He and I had been comparing notes on our various CL encounters over time, plus comparing our readings of them -- "have you seen that guy from Adams who posts essays about dom/subs?" Yes I have!, I said with a shudder. Did you respond? No! But I sure have learned a lot. I don't think I'm a sub, anyway, or maybe - I don't know - I think it would piss me off....

And I mentioned how I'd met a couple of guys over the last few months, and I've noticed that however 'realistic' I try to be about who I am, what I look like -- they are still somehow expecting a porn star to appear. And I see the disappointment on their faces.

And this is what made me laugh -- my companion this afternoon said, thoughtfully, "Your looks are intelligent... but you have the mind of a porn star."

Oh, aaarghhh! Though I was laughing so hard to think of it, back (to my relief) on my own -- oh man, somehow that sums up my life, in some absurd way!

Oh sweetheart, I suppose the same might be true of you -- so very many many kisses my love, so glad to be 'Back in the High Life with You', the wonderful Steve Winwood song that came on as I raced down Route 22, to get back home to you...

and well wishes all around
including to the very charming, wonderful man I met today, off CL
-- we humans ---

darling -- I love you -- I'll post the Steve Winwood later --
many kisses for your flight, dearest Steve McQueen

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