Wednesday, February 8, 2012

my view
looking upward

as I'm seated
at the organ

Hello darling, I hope all is well with you & happy. I wonder where you are, and my vibe is that you're stateside - but I don't take it too seriously - or wonder too hard - against gaslighting - whatever, I know you're always with me, wherever you are

I'm feeling a little faded just now, also a bit scattered. And hungry. Though lunch was delicious -- a salad composed of organic mixed greens, roast beet, walnuts, crumbled blue cheese, leftover roast turkey, dressed with balsamic vinaigrette. But that was hours ago. I managed a trifecta. Oh honey, I get louder & louder. What am I going to do when the warm weather comes? And so I admit I've been trying to look into other options -- I mean how am I supposed to get out of my situation? Which, by the way, I - I don't think confessed is the right word, it wasn't so formal - but told the R. yesterday. She & I met yesterday and talked, and the two of us, it seems to me, are amazingly simpatico. And I suppose really that's all I can say, but I was amazed at how very freely I felt able to share even some admittedly ambiguous aspects of myself, such as the fact of this blog, and its nature. Anyway, it was the most amazing conversation - incredibly wideranging, freewheeling, treating of all sorts of subjects. I told her - I felt so uncomfortable! - about D - and she asked, in her professional role, if we wished counseling and I was very inarticulate and said no, that at this point I wished --- anyway, she couldn't have been more kind. And I was able to tell her too that I was un-used to formal religion at this point, though I consider myself to be spiritual, that I felt uncomfortable about taking communion - not if I'm not 'fully there' with it. And she said that's okay - just come up, and cross your arms - she demonstrated what I should do, folding her arms across her chest - and I'll know what that means, and I'll just give you a blessing. And I said - with great relief - I will be very happy, and very comfortable to do that, I didn't even know it was an option. It was all really quite an extraordinary hour - it could almost have been a play - these two women, of completely different - cloths - conversing so frankly & so freely within the confines of this ancient beautiful church, that the two of us had to ourselves, as we went over the 'stage directions' as it were, of when I would come in, when the time comes... because I've been having anxiety dreams about it, a bit - messing up. Anyway -- it couldn't have been more wonderful.

And today I practiced, sat down for the first time, the place to myself, at the organ, and went through - or halfway through - a long list of hymns for me to become acquainted with, some of which fortunately I already am. I'm a quick study that way, as far as reading sheet music. The organ itself though is much more elusive & challenging. I really don't know about the stops, and how to negotiate two "manuals," that is keyboards -- let alone foot pedals. I ended up, today, just playing one of the manuals -- the lower one, as though it were a piano. And even as I sight-read my way through some new hymns, at times haltingly so as I tried to work out chords, I thought the music sounded credible -- though at times, I admit, I was put in mind of organ swells, signaling that stakes are large & building, at the old Yankees or Mets Stadiums...

Hi sweetheart. I wish we could make it work somehow. Oh well this is it. Love you. xoxo

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