Monday, February 13, 2012

Hello darling, spent the day trolling through
& responding to a couple of CL posts
and deciphering pagehits here
trying to figure out who they were from

"stelllllaaaa blog" - that made me laugh so hard!
I surmised that was from Mr. North Fifth Street
yes, I definitely thought of you yesterday while I was at (p.m.)
and that wonderful, magical, weird evening I spent with you
thanks again for letting me crash
in your exquisitely appointed bedroom
with the view of aligned Christmas trees
out the small, deep-cased window
oh my -- such images are etched in my mind!

"przyjdziesz w upalny, skwarny dzieƄ"
now that I imagine, would be from you darling --
oh I wish

"for emily wherever sheet music" - also from you maybe -
very discreetly?

"woodstock bird" -- not sure

"Cotopaxi 1862" -- Civil War, of the mind, or any other kind
that brings to mind 1.0 - that's my vibe - but I don't know

or perhaps they're all quite random

now there is one absolutely unambiguous one
that I got from Finland
my friend's name -- which prompted me to dash off a note to him
that was overdue on my part --

Sweetheart, so little to report tonight. I feel achey today, for some reason. Actually I felt fine, then lay down in late afternoon for twenty minutes, felt a little woozy/achey after that, and the feeling still persists. Ah, nothing major. Though I wish I knew the source...

Yes, it's a funny thing indeed to be answering personals on an important anniversary. But something has broken, at least I'm feeling a bit energized to try to reach out, somehow. I told D yesterday evening, that that is what I am trying to do now, in some way. I mean, I guess we both feel bad that things have come to this pass. He did put his arms around me today, first time in a very long time, in commemoration I'm sure of the day, and I returned the hug, but I didn't really feel it, not in that way that he & I had once very very joyfully had. I wish - maybe, or on some theoretical level - that I could get it back -- if only because it would make life, for both of us, so much simpler. It took a long while for us to get to this pass -

and I was in love, and loved him - until I didn't, couldn't anymore
there reached a tipping point, or a breaking point
and then for me there was no return
I knew it was coming too -- I could see it
and I remember mentioning to him, several years ago
if I lose it -- I don't know (and I truly didn't, it wasn't a threat, more an apprehension of foreboding) that I'm going to be able to get it back

Anyway, darling, I'm glad I don't have to send you a photo of myself
you know just what I look like & seem to love me - anyway?
well now - that didn't come out right
And I have to say - you're so utterly handsome & charming in person --
but maybe some photos (not that I've seen so many)
don't do you full justice either --
I wonder why that is, why some people are more photogenic than others?

Oh sweetheart --- holding your hands tight
across a tiny votive-lit table
in a cozy, charming, low-key winebar in town
I'll be there, in my finery, no makeup, waiting for you


many, many kisses

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