Sunday, December 20, 2009
Letter of a Mad Housewife
From a letter to a friend, 19 December 2009.
Dear J, I slept pretty well last night, spending the night in the spare room for the first time in a long time. I woke up with a greater sense of clarity and maybe even peace.
I think I got caught up in a performance art piece… ultimately what I woke up with was that it hardly matters what happened, who's behind it, if it's even real or not. What the whole experience gave me was a dream, a hope, a vision of what I would wish my life to be like. Rather than feel troubled by it (which I had been) I would like to see it now as a gift.
The whole Winter Walk was a performance art piece. F got drafted (supposedly) to dress up as a Gingerbread Boy. He went all up & down Warren Street that freezing, drizzly night, waving his arms and shouting, "Don't Eat Me, Don't Eat Me." He pretended to run away from the children and the children chased him. He would tell them, "No, don't eat me, you don't like gingerbread - you like ice cream!! ice cream!! (... apparently the story of Gingerbread Boy has a dark side - that he's afraid of getting eaten! Very interesting. Great metaphor.)
It seemed as though every child in town wanted to come up and hug him, have their picture taken with him, etc., etc. Children big & small - from little kids to older teenagers (adults too). It was quite astounding & moving to see how much love could be generated and expressed. There was an especially magical, poignant suspended moment where Gingerbread Boy hung around a parked police car with the lights flashing neon and surreal in the night. Children lined up to touch him. Really, it was all quite Christlike, was what I felt.
Anyway, so that was a lovely image of children & outpourings of love that I witnessed and experienced that night. And that was followed by very pleasant conversation with lovely people at a lovely, atmospheric bar.
… to have such a lovely, social evening - it was lovely - and I felt so accepted, no one was asking me tedious questions such as what do I do, etc., etc. No one was judging me. I felt warmly & readily accepted, simply because I was with F, and his & my connection is the incredible "community tennis" or pingpong on his website. Because we've concocted some pretty amazing rallies on there.
To continue - and then the night I spent at his house, and in the morning making coffee and walking about the downstairs rooms just looking. Everything was staged, it was a show. It didn't really feel like I had just crashed at someone's lived-in place. I was within a vision.
The vision spoke of a rich life fully lived. Companionship, walks in the countryside, picnics, books, music, work, public service, travel, good food, good drink, beautiful surroundings, art, peace, quiet, luxury, conviviality, concrete screws, gardening, poetry, scholarship, marriage, union, devotion, leadership, joy, magic, transformation, buoyancy, groundedness.
That's what was so powerful about the whole experience. That vision … I see it now, and it's what I want. I've stepped behind the magic lantern that casts shadows on a wall - and seen the light!
The morning in the kitchen the light came in the window from the east - beautiful warm golden light - it fell on a wall or the fridge & I lifted my hand and made shadow puppets - the image of a rabbit with my hand talking to the shadowed silhouette of me - and I laughed!...
….thanks for holding my hand, as it were, the last several days. It made a real difference to me, and got me to this moment, now.
(googled images proust hand puppet shadow)
Best Winter Walk Ever!!!