Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Dawn write

notes from journal, written around 6:30 this morning

So many thoughts going through my head. I need to set them down like gathering up bits of paper into a handbag of a journal. Free-associating: in my dream a man - a stranger I think - asks me - or someone - can you go on vacation to a beach destination in 2 days. I leap at the chance. I know we will make love. [Portion of dream omitted for sake of decency.] I return from the trip. I meet up with [my girlfriend] X and kick myself that I didn't bring her a present. What poor form. We embrace and a Japanese woman joins us. She's so gracious that she's brought me a gift though we’ve never met - a sleeveless sheer white linen blouse edged in pale green. We sit down at the end of a long table across from each other. She tells me that she too had wanted other things in life for herself but parental pressure thwarted her.

Another thought. Last September - that is, in 2008 - I glimpsed a man one fine day at the conservation area. My heart and mind were just brimming with love & longing for John and I mouthed the words I love you. (Oy Scott would say right now…
[Totally illegible here, lines written one on top of another – that’s the last time I write in pitch dark! - so must reconstruct from memory. ]
… but when I think I’m totally by myself I can express myself in a little skip, a little step…

He had a purposeful stride like John’s marching up the path from the overlook bench to where I was just coming out of the woods. We passed each other & I felt shy, startled, and a little embarrassed. I suppose he reminded me of John – but now I’m wondering if it was one of the actors Foxx hires to don the grey suit and walk through various public venues such as parks. Only this man wasn’t wearing a grey suit – more, rather elegant, understated country clothing...

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