Wednesday, January 25, 2012

You feel so far away from me. I haven't seen you in over a year. Before that I hadn't seen you in a year or more, I've lost count. There is some very bare minimum that is slipping away from me. It's hard to sustain. I take a multivitamin every day. Is that why I'm noticing? Having a harder time sustaining the illusion? Perhaps I should discontinue this blog. The thought strongly occurred to me last night. I went to bed, missed the "State of the Union" speech. Realized belatedly that I could have entitled yesterday's post, for different reasons, "state of the union."

A tiny bit of housekeeping wrapped in - if relevant - a request. I love the page hits that mean something - that light on an image, a recent post - like that. But if (big "if") it's you landing on my blog via such heavily encoded encrypted hits -- could you please not do that? Because truly -- I derive absolutely nothing from them at all, in terms of feeling that I'd received any kind of personal pagehit. And those hits may not be from you at all -- they may seriously be random, occult spam. I don't like it. No blogger does.

While I'm on the subject - I suppose I should be happy/grateful that I have "google-followers" - but to be honest, again - I don't ever have an actual sense that any of them has looked in on my blog -- just from the way this page-hit business works. It's very impersonal. And I'm not saying that any of you should do anything about it -- not at all. It's just that - I do not at all, ever, in any kind of daily way, have a sense that any or some or all of you have looked in on it, and what you might make of it. (Actually Lenore -- I do get a sense from you - not from my blog stat counters, etc. - but when I see what I take to be an oblique reference -- such as regarding the Leyda -- and by the way -- I love that you're posting an "on this date" fragment in that way - brilliant!)

Thank you 1.0 for landing in your steady, recognizable way -- that has meaning to me, it really does. As you know. I don't mean to belabor it - but just offer it as contrast to far more occult, oblique -- almost, or seemingly pointlessly so - ones. If you know me, drop me a line sometime. Doesn't have to be a formal "comment." I've got an email address, accessible somehow through my "profile." Here it is in case you don't feel like scrounging --

desertrat whatever your number -- who are you? I don't mean that literally -- I don't need to know anything of your identity -- but how on earth did you land here? are you still here? why?

And that's it really -- one of those posts -- sort of like a clunker "January" movie -- released then because it had no hopes of being nominated

Sweetheart -- I hear you -- I definitely didn't mean to force a question - 'pushed or pulled' -- okay - so I'm your delicious latte, no foam, design etched on top, anticipated treat, incredible aroma, and ah - that first sip

and that's fine, I guess I think of that photo of Wislawa Szymborska inhaling the aroma of a fragrant porcelain cup of tea

I try hard to inhale details of my life in just that way
tonight it's poached salmon, cauliflower mash, and mesclun salad
the pellet stove is cranking
Claire the Lump is asleep nearby me, on the aerie balustrade

I wonder if Bernie Madoff has more conversations in prison than I have
F**k him, obviously
except that it's really weird that I feel as though I've been under house arrest for several years now

not one person, I don't think, commented on my blog in all of 2011
not one, not once

I think what this post is reflecting is thoughts I'm having about whether I wish to continue this blog or not
I don't know, I haven't decided
honestly - last night - in tears - I just wanted to pull the plug on it
I don't feel that way now

but I do feel as though it isn't working -- or that things aren't working for me
I don't know how to get out of my predicament
I don't know what to do
I want out - of this involuntary house arrest (and I haven't been convicted of any crime!!) -- how do I get out of it?

anyway -- sorry -- well, in terms of start with where you are --
at least I'm not going through these muddy cold sleeping adder-filled waters --- in June

with everything in bloom, and the sun shining

now that would be a problem

I hope all is well with you --- with all of you -
the ones who count

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