Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Hello darling, putting my arms around you, kissing you hello. Ah you feel good. I've had a better day, much better, than yesterday, and feel set right for the most part, though still my mind tends to slip off into - territories. Today was beautiful, for starters, which was a huge help, so sunny & mild that I put on lighter clothing than usual, and needed no more than a jacket, unbuttoned, for my walk. It was like an early spring day, a gift after yesterday's cold murk. I savored the sun on my skin, and the restoration of green in the landscape -- most everything has melted away, certainly whatever snow had fallen - when was that? just a few days ago - blocked from my mind already! But vestiges of ice remained on sheltered portions of the creek - and I thought to bring my camera today - that is - I went back home to get it - thus technically taking two walks today. That will 'learn me' to make a habit of carrying my camera every time. Or not - goodness knows I could stand to lose a few more pounds.

My head feels set straight today, after yesterday. 1.0 got back to me. Those weren't his page-hits -- I didn't really think they were, it was just that the geographic origin caught me offguard, on a day that I was feeling a little emotionally vulnerable to begin with. Anyway - it's okay now, and maybe I learned something, maybe even more so -- I feel a sense of clarity, that I suppose I wish to preserve, though it entails a 'moment of truth,' which is always painful too. But it's okay, maybe I've worked through something.

Message from July 2009
There is a paradox here. You have been dissatisfied but have remained completely faithful. I have been happy with my marriage, but have not...
I have been thinking a lot about infidelity, in myriad ways, including gradations of it. I was paging through an NYRB today, and came across a tiny ad, in the midst of a publisher's ad highlighting various books, about a woman who claims the best thing that happened to her is her discovery of her husband having an affair. I googled, and found a website -- and maybe so, she & him have put together a lucrative business based on their experience, including his infidelity. I perused the website a bit, and came across a page that talked about different types of infidelities -- how some people are "pulled" towards them, others "pushed." In thinking of myself, I'm feeling very pushed. Someone else, I believe, has rather more been pulled -- attracted to the fun, clandestine, sexy, ego-boosting aspects -- rather than trying to fill some horrible yawning gap. And you're faithful (as far as I know, or so I imagine) -- and I rhetorically wonder -- do you feel more "pushed" - or "pulled?" The forces probably aren't mutually exclusive, but I would imagine that only one of them, in the context of a marriage, is strong enough to act as the impetus.

I think of all this too --- oh for all sorts of reasons. D & I will have been married 25 years next month. And these days I feel as though it's the biggest error I ever made, that cost me in ways that I did not realize for many years, but realize acutely now.

I did a workout this afternoon, and learned that Seal & Heidi are divorcing. After four kids and seven or eight years together. He talked about eight years as though that's a long time! (To me it isn't - not after a quarter-century.) But four children - or one - that of course is a big deal.

I wonder what I will ever tell the Rector when the question inevitably comes up. She dropped me off the other day, since we were transporting the keyboard -- "we" have lived here seven years this April, I answered.

And yet "we" still co-exist, if in separate rooms. But I cook, he brings home the income. Tonight is an enormous pot of Sicilian Spiced Chicken. Breakfast was an omelet of broccoli and a bit of leftover salmon & cream cheese, with a dessert of stewed plums.

It's nice (to say the least) in a marriage when you have the sense of having built something together.

Something strong and important and shared. Maybe it can be undone, for all sorts of reasons - cliche, but people do grow apart.

But it isn't easily, instantly smashable, like a vase.

I know now, just the tiniest bit better than I did yesterday -
his ceramic urn is perfectly, perfectly intact

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