Hi sweetheart. What has the world come to? I found myself today, googling "how to play the pipe organ." I didn't find lessons, though I found references to books I might consult. One is supposed to wear such a thing as 'organ shoes' - which I haven't yet had the Rather-esque courage to ascertain what they even look like. But I am chastened. I mean, I had entered that church on a total lark, and chatted with the Rector. And I freely & blithely admitted that I have no real experience with the organ, that I play piano. It won't really matter, in this context - except that I hadn't really thought about the pipe organ before in any great depth - and it's a fantastic, unusually complicated piece of very involved & intricate machinery - I'm only just beginning to fathom it. So without freaking myself out, I just over time, wish to do the instrument a bit of justice, read up on it, perhaps even see about getting a lesson or two, or pointers at the very least, perhaps from other church organists. I don't know, I'm still musing on this whole thing.

It was an especially beautiful day today, sunny and if not mild exactly, then not terribly cold either. It was easy to imagine that it isn't midwinter, January. I took two walks today, by the rushing creek - hardly frozen at all, except for still puddles & pools in scattered shadowy edges. Barebranched trees, yet lawns are green, which sustains the illusion, however brief. Because overnight we're supposed to get 'precipitation' - and it may well be snow, that will plunge my dead-end neck of the woods into an icy gray and white snow globe.

It smells heavenly up here, like a fine French or Italian rustic restaurant. I made a very involved dish this afternoon, a Bobby Flay recipe, braised lamb shanks with roasted tomatoes and toasted orzo. Sounds simple, but isn't. All sorts of processes are involved - it's quite orchestral. Searing, boiling, braising, roasting, deglazing -

tomorrow I will be 'deglazing' the kitchen stove from this lollapalooza I'm sure

sweetheart, I miss you
yes it's one of those evenings that I wish I could communicate with you in some other way than typing

what do you think - should I go into the phone sex business?
I did a workout to Anderson this afternoon - there was a segment on there, stay-at-home moms who in that way work from their home

am I already there - only I give - whatever it is - away for free?
well that's okay --

I guess I was just thinking about, as I watched the segment -
what's the difference between having paid phone-sex with a woman, one whom one regularly visits even, and becomes quite fond of, and bonded with on some level
but one never has to have any other kind of relationship with her at all, ever
she's entirely disembodied
is there much of a difference between someone like that who's at least savvy enough to charge for it
and me, who obviously doesn't 'talk dirty' in that kind of XXX way here
and yet there's still that feeling of - as though I don't really exist - as though I'm disembodied?

The thing is, I can understand your situation and accept it, and it's fine with me
I have no expectations from you at all

But I am disappointed in someone else - profoundly so
it's not exactly the same thing
maybe he looks at my blog
and then has phone-sex with who-knows-who
as though we're fungible in some way, though in different categories
and another one or two on the side even, besides

it is very upsetting to me that someone who supposedly has some sort of
what's the word? without being all Freudian-clinical about it, like that Keira Knightley movie I just saw - fixation?
is it that? what is it then?
an artifact - that speaks?

I have to accept that - and I do
of course I do
the hard part for me to come to terms with
is a harsh realization
that yeah - I'm objectified - that's what he does, professionally
a girlfriend of mine told me she always thought he was strange
and I'm grudgingly - if only for my own peace of mind
coming to the same conclusion
(over & over again)

does he not want to ever even have so much as lunch with me
because he is afraid that the image in his mind
would not match the image of who I am, what I look like?

It was funny on Anderson today - the most delightful, cheerful woman in her 40s
who was managing to make ends meet (no, not that way) as a single mom to a little boy
and boyish Anderson exclaimed - wow, you don't look like - [insert porn image here]
and she was so cheerful - a total sweetheart - and so mature, & adult about it (she reminded me of the actress Tyne Daly)
I loved her sense of humor, style, and the way she offered her hand in solidarity with another single mom, who also makes a living via a home-based phone-sex business

the stops of the mysterious heating system of our house are out now
water gurgling and rushing through the pipes
just as well
I'm so confused, and mixed up, and as always, feeling in the very crack of things, neither here nor there

most self-centered blog ever
I'm sorry darling

the women on Anderson would ALL hate me
stay-at-home versus working moms
how about me - stay-at-home - never a mom

[what would they make of E.D.?]

I pictured too, an imaginary conversation (soon perhaps to happen), how I answer certain questions from the rector...

So you're....?
Estranged.

Is that even a category?