My dearest afflicted one - I am puzzling over "paralytic," such a very strong word - I wonder what you mean by it - I mean I know perfectly well the incredible & completely understandable constraints & obligations & previous engagements and all the rest that you're under. And your heart is there, and here too - both - as I imagine. I hope this aromatherapy works, sweetheart. I don't know, it helps for me. Yes, I suppose I'm paralytic too. If I weren't I'd figure out some other way out of the situation I'm in - why am I so stuck? I used to be a go-getter. Well, of course getting older takes a lot out of one, if things haven't worked out. When I was young & had all that energy, I didn't know better, could take the knocks & setbacks, and adjust course. Now it's a lot harder. I don't know darling, for now anyway, I'm content if we can just be a comfort & source of surprise & joy for each other - that's all I could truly expect. I don't mean to sound like a martyr about it either - it's just this strange reality, strange circumstance we find ourselves in - and I'm so glad for that little, little bit. And the thought of you thinking of me, and me thinking of you -- what a gift.
Anyway, perhaps this is a newfangled form - possibly "a dangerous method" of newfangled psychotherapy - 21st century, nonpharmaceutical do-it-yourself version - what do you think? I like that idea. We've creatively found our way to at least some oasis, some space, however circumscribed - but it's ours - that gives us a moment of freedom.
Sorry darling, I don't mean to wax so heavy & theoretical. I suppose I'm thinking along these themes partly because I just came back from a jaunt to Rhinebeck, where I caught A Dangerous Method, a fictionalized account of a triangle (of sorts) formed between Carl Jung, Sigmund Freud, and a brilliant but psychically damaged woman who comes under Jung's care, and confronts the source of her wounded spirit with the new "talking cure."
Sweetheart, enough of talking cures, I just wish to kiss you. I had a nice afternoon, a glorious springlike day, 52 degrees read the bank clock on the Main Street in Rhinebeck. I didn't start out the New Year with healthful resolutions - no walk or workout today - but I did manage the third (oh dearest - paralysis there, but only of the most blissful sort, and alas for just a moment - oh but that moment will do - to remind me that I'm alive - so much better than "pinching" one's self).
After lunch I drove into Rhinebeck, with nearly an hour til the movie, so I drove a couple of miles further west to the river, parked the car at the Rhinecliff Amtrak station, and took in views of the river and the blue Shawangunks beyond, as best I could past an obscuring conspiracy of railroad trestles, rickety looking ancient station building, electrified wiring, raised trackbed -- ah but I did manage a peek at the beautiful water! I guess the place to be, to take in the scene fully, might have been at an inn that's situated right there. One can stay there - oh how romantic! - and Sundays they have a jazz brunch (as I arrived musicians lugging basses and other instruments were heading to their Subarus) - and on higher floors there are sweeping, unobstructed views.
I headed back into Rhinebeck, purchased my ticket at the cinema, and still had a half-hour to kill. And since it's New Years -- and I stress the holiday aspect of it - I decided to check out an inn in the heart of town, a few steps from the cinema, and had a glass of white wine, from a regional vineyard, at the bar. And thought of you, and missed you, as I watched the lady bartender pour drinks & replace clean glasses on a rack over her head, glimpsed the flickering TV screen, some NFL game, deciphered in the dim light a receipt for a couple, not much older than me, who couldn't read it in the darkness - ah, but I had my readers -
Oh sweetheart, and I was dressed nicely too, the same outfit I wore last holiday - that is, last Sunday - in T'town - any excuse to dress up. And I was wearing my new black lace lingerie underneath -- it feels nice to wear such a beautiful foundation (and then slip a pretty outfit over it) -- and spritzes of Miss Dior too, of course
And so dearest, that's how I liberated myself for an afternoon - I don't know
In the film, Carl Jung, conversing with the Keira Knightley character, with whom, years before, he had had a complex, passionate, ambiguous, liberating affair - refers to his need for the sacred stability of family ... and (with reference to his current, longtime mistress) as well, for perfume...
Tomorrow it will be back to workouts & walks for me
but for today it was nice to don sexy lingerie & a dressy outfit and have my cake (almond, with a coffee, for dessert) & eat it too - foundation & perfume -
my dearest love, I must run now
this post is incomplete, it's not saying all I feel, all I wish to say
ah - but it's a holiday -
I have 364 chances left to get it right
in the New Year
very many kisses, sweetheart - don't you feel them?