Friday, January 28, 2011

Dearest loves, grateful to be seated up in the aerie with a well-deserved glass of ice-filled wine after a day of hair coloring, bathroom cleaning, upstairs vacuuming, lemon cake baking, bed linen changing, lunch (spinach feta omelet) and dinner prepping (fettucine with asparagus and turkey, salad), laundry monitoring, and most importantly - morning blogging - and now a quick note just to check in. Looking forward to my little excursion downriver tomorrow. That's what inspired me to get the house in great shape - leave it nice and clean for D, plus have a clean house to come home to on Sunday.

Thank you for your candle in the window from so very far away, four (or is it five?) time zones away. Are you going to be there a while? Of course I googled you (as I do now & then) and see that you'll be giving a talk there in three weeks - that's a long time... Ah - well. I'll never know. But I think of you anyway. And I see you do of me too.

And you, my other dearest one - because now I have my own inner-life Big Love thing going on with two beloved preceptors, which is actually pretty rough - on me, because I'm essentially monogamous, and - well, I know how Penelope gets if I pet one of the other cats. I'm feeling pretty torn. But it's all in my head - right? as Katie Couric would punctuate. No, it's not all in my head. My feelings are real. I am full of love, wishing very much to love. But not just anyone. I could see being fixed up with a Mister Lonelyhearts, and I would absolutely hate that - I might get sucked in for the wrong reasons because I have a compassionate side. But I absolutely need to feel a strong attraction, chemistry, electricity -

It was really nice to feel that, so unexpectedly -
Whenever - since time has passed - I start to think it's all in my head I just think back to that

I'd rather be a celibate nun than to compromise at this point
I know what a cost compromise or "settling" would be - it absolutely wouldn't work for me - especially not now, when I feel that I know myself quite well
Many many years ago I compromised - lived for a time with a guy I was absolutely not attracted to - I wanted it to work - and it just never, never did - it was completely useless and pointless

Anyway. All these ruminations.

Loving you - with all my heart.

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