Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Hello darling, up in the aerie with an icefilled glass of pink wine, musing about my day. I'm excited that I found a pretty summer dress on sale, a subtle Indian earth-toned print in light brown and cream, sleeveless, with a puckered close-fitting top and relaxed skirt that ends at the knee. With that top -- no one will ever doubt my credentials, or wonder that I cover myself up so much. I plan mostly to wear it around the house on hot days, or maybe for "eyes only" (ah who ever might that be?), or maybe wherever and whenever -- with all bets off if the dew-point index gets into the triple digits. It felt nice to try on a number of dresses - they didn't all look nice on me, depending on the cut, but still, all my walking & working out have paid off -- I'm fullfigured, with too much weight still at my middle (lifelong curse, since girlhood, and it doesn't help, no matter how many crunches I do, that I'm such a sybarite), but still I'm quite reasonably HWP and toned, for someone of my basic physique to begin with. I'm on top of that battle, I am. I walked today, and did a workout -- after nearly four years, this is very much part of my daily life & routine. Anyway: nice dress. Oh, and plus I bought it for a song. A $10 store 'gift card' arrived in the mail today -- in the end, I purchased this $45 dress -- for $15.

Ah, not so much to report, stirrings in CL world, but we'll see. I feel as though some values have become clarified for me though, how I really am not into an FWB, how I really am looking for 'The One.' It's rough canoeing a bit, I've already hit shoals and rocks, and I was a little more uncertain before. And also, I think -- although I'm not quite sure how that connection might ever transpire via CL, but who knows -- that I'm looking for that spark, that sense of soul-meeting-soul, that I felt with you that extraordinary moment in that dining room that time -- nothing has been the same since. And nothing will happen with us, it can't --- and yet I can't let go of that sensation -- that that was just an extraordinary communication and connection that -- though I've been acquainted with you, rather peripherally, for so many years -- I couldn't have seen it coming.

I don't know, I don't know what will happen, it all feels very uncertain at the moment, nebulous, all these feelers out, both ways. And then I wonder about 'alpha' males. I'm definitely not into the BDSM scene (so much so that I don't even know if I got that acronym right, and am not sure what the letters stand for, not the first two anyway). But -- I don't know, I guess I'm in a bit of a quandary, in that I'm very independent-minded, and I wish to remain so - it's absolutely who I am -- but yeah, I think I am pretty fatally attracted to a very take-charge "alpha" kind of guy -- and maybe he to me -- because I'm not like that -- so maybe there is something very very complementary about that kind of match. I don't know. I was fatally attracted to who I these days realize was/is an 'alpha' type. He came & went (and came & went again, in a noncorporeal way). D isn't an 'alpha' male -- possibly a reason, decades ago, that I married him. But it's not working anymore. Maybe an 'alpha' type -- at my age now, that I know myself better, and maybe the guy too -- maybe it would work better now? I am so just not a take-charge person. So if he is there to 'take charge,' and I can be there, in lots of ways, very sincerely -- and including, with good humor, bemusedly -- wow, that sounds incredibly appealing. I feel my body, my tired physique just melting into that very soothing, de-stressing thought.

I'll let you go now (and you, and you, and you) -- yes I'm aware that I have a slightly expanded audience now, of a few very lovely men, possibly a couple of my acquaintance, others not. Whatever. We're all about the same age, searching, looking, wondering.

I'm having a lovely evening, so far. I hope you are too.

Very many kisses, and well wishes.

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