My dearest, at low ebb this evening, as though the weight of all the darkness, of one of the shortest days of the year, is bearing down upon me. But that's just this moment, this early evening, as I try to rouse myself to write. In fact I had a full day, triple play, plus cooking in the morning - that is, putting together dough for two different types of cookies, which went smoothly except that I discovered that D had evidently mistaken a bag of prized, pricey pecans I'd been saving for baking, for mere, far less expensive nuts - snacking on them at some point. Fortunately I had enough to make one batch of pecan-shortbread - but not enough for two. Pecans, a couple of months ago, were $10.25 a pound in bulk at Sahadi - they're that much more up here, at the supermarket...

Also dearest - I suppose I'm wrestling with myself a bit - getting excited on one level - but trying not to get my hopes up on another

but my mind can't help but 'connect dots' and (over?)interpret (seemingly) meaningful page-hits in tandem with interpretation of timing (with hours-long gaps, as one might encounter say, in a long flight - perhaps (given a late-morning hit from "Portugal"), with a connecting flight...

So when I see a single page-hit, landing on a post of mine whose first line reads, "Hello my darling. The new dishwasher has been delivered" (such result obtained via a google-search as to Queen Victoria's ambivalent relationship to her own body & its processes) -- am I to decipher this -- my dearest Prince Albert -- as immediately I do -- as that you in fact have been delivered safely to the Garden State - after all...

Oh I hope so!

Anyone reading this on such scant information might well conclude that I'm crazy. But this latest hit followed a few meaningful others the last few days... a reference to Steve McQueen in a plane... oh take me with you when you go... references to daVinci's Christmasy Madonna (okay, those hits are a bit harder to take personally - maybe), oh - and - also an exceedingly unusual - page hit, I think it was yesterday - "je reviens."

Darling, if you're trying to communicate with me this way, then I say you're brilliant.

I didn't dare hope to connect those dots yesterday (though I started to)... but now I'm wondering. I hope my (yours too?) dream comes true, that we at least get to see each other, spend a little time...

another fantasy (illusion?) I had... that perhaps I had made a difference to you -- I don't know

but I signed an online holiday greeting card to President Obama and his family -- and included the line (also a very recent, and resonant pagehit)... "it's not about being perfect, it's about being whole."

so if these pagehits are meaningful -- did you, or members of your family, change their mind?
or were you always coming, as you do most every year?
but then why would there be subterfuge - or is there?
I don't know - it's confusing -- and as I confessed at the top, I feel particularly tired

but if I get to see you, I will be so incredibly delighted, over-the-moon, however brief, however tacit

and if I don't -- well, I'm just trying not to get my hopes up -
I'll have a nice time anyway
I'm prepared - I've put together the cookies, though not yet baked them
and my beautiful party outfit is freshly laundered

and if I don't see you more imminently -- then, as I understand it -- at an occasion, in June ---

goodnight, wherever you are, near or far - I think of you