My dear love, thinking of you, picturing you, as I sit at my desk wondering what to write, pleasantly aware of faint netherly throbbing, bodily afterglow of sweet spent session. Afterward, in the aerie, golden light streamed through the windows, before sunset. Tomorrow's day length, here, will be thirty seconds longer, I checked. That fact, the retilting of the earth towards the sun - no, that's not right is it? The - whatever it is that by the end of January will cause days to be palpably longer, light even after five - gives me a sense of optimism. I'm leaping ahead already to warm weather months, bought on sale today, a flattering knit top, summer-weight but in autumnal shades, that I imagine wearing in August, with a black skirt.

Dearest, slow news day here, but I am happy to report, as I sit here typing, that I am feeling much more even-keeled, okay, than I had been the last few days. I guess I had to adjust to some news, some absences, some nonsense, and other all the rest that the jetsam-strewn tide of the holidays seems to litter on shore. The waves sweep up the banked beach, but now they've withdrawn, leaving bits of shells and crab legs and clear jellyfish, and I walk westward, barefoot in the wet sand, in the direction of Breezy Point, too far away to reach by foot on the beach, and so eventually, after the decrepit wood beach hotel structure, abandoned now I think, set high on piers above the sand, I turn back down the beach, stepping over fishing lines grounded into the sand and arching to the waves, picking up occasional spiral conch shells along the way...

I was thinking about the fact of the newcomer, some ramifications (at least as they strike me personally - obviously I'm completely outside it all). We are all grandparent age now, that we hadn't realized. And I couldn't help but think, strictly from my point of view (because I understand that you might well, from an entirely different perspective, view things differently), that I think it's good she had a baby straight off. I mean, it seems to me to put a focus on things -- to organize one's life, if it's done right which of course it will be, and is being so done, I can tell already.

I think back to when I was her age, how very clueless and free-floating I was. I just had no clue, no support structures, certainly no family to fall back on, no guidance. I did have a bachelor's from a good school - I tried to pull myself up, and into favorable situations for myself, by my degree.

I don't know. I guess I can just see the great benefit & advantage of being thoroughly grounded (possibly whether one wishes to be, or not). It takes the endless choosing & decisionmaking out of it. When I was that age, and younger, and older too I suppose, I felt this terrible burden of freedom -- that supposedly I could do anything, had all these options, but I had no idea in my own self which way to go, where to turn, what to pursue.

It didn't help at all that I had no practical knowledge of How To Be In The World, at all. So I had to try to figure that out on my own, the simplest, most basic life lessons, of figuring out about money - everything from how a checking account works (I bounced my first few, in college) - to the worth of things, balanced against their cost. I had no money (other than what I'd earn temping, in office jobs, all through college) - and yet was capable of buying a full-priced pair of shoes from a department store, or a basic tee - paying way too much - because I really didn't know any better.

Now obviously I do. Though I've made mistakes more recently -- spending nearly $8000 one year, when D & I were more flush with cash, on Major Medical hospital coverage. No medical disaster happened that year - we didn't get any doctor visits or any other benefit whatsoever from it - but we were out $8000 -- which frankly - well, I can imagine uses for that money, that would have made a bigger difference to our lives, that we might have enjoyed.

And so - I know it's going to work out, with the baby. If it were me, I'd be happy for it - takes so much of the choosing guessworky angst out of it. To be replaced by another kind of angst, that may very well be.

I am a feminist - in the sense that I believe in the notion of women being able to choose their destinies, and to have doors opened to them to succeed in any professional or other realm imagineable. But for me, of the very particular & peculiar generation or frame of time I came up in -- I felt pressured to "succeed" - that is to strive, be aggressive, "dress for success," show professional ambition, drive, & expertise -- without, the way I feel about it, having really been given some practical guidance, support --

a sister-in-law of mine, who "did no better" than a community college A.B. degree -- is a very accomplished, ambitious, high-achieving businesswoman, who continually reinvents herself in business, and stays on top, and has a life besides, including grown children

I think I'm losing my thread here, darling --

I'm glad that the new mom had a stellar education (with the highest academic achievements, as my aunt proudly noted) and also that she has been set on at least one path that will give compelling direction -- it may postpone others, but certainly won't preclude them - and may indeed suggest them - who knows?

Sweetheart - please forgive me my ruminations -

I look forward to later on, in the dark night chamber
waking up in your arms