Sunday, June 3, 2012

Hello darling, up in the aerie on the early side, my re-entry day is what it's felt like. Just now outside the windows is the sound of falling rain, so soothing, I can hardly tell you, almost as therapeutic and calming as if you were holding me in your arms, running your hands over my skin. Oh dearest, I can just melt into that thought, or into the balm of a soft spring rain falling, watering plants so that I don't have to, and I remain pleasantly aloft up here, perfectly dry, oh but aching. I've been bumming out a bit today - a prospect that I've held some hope for - I don't know -- yet another ambivalent man it seems, plus - well, I sense, not really all that available (though he's divorced and unattached). Actions louder than words and all that. So I've taken the plunge again, gone fishin'... we'll see.

Oh sweetheart, I wish we could just be together at this moment. My head is just so full of impressions of my week in the City, still. And now I'm fully back, walking along these country roads, playing organ at the church this morning - as though I'd never left. As though my life had simply, for a spell, been toggled.

I don't know what to say. I drove up to the K'hook Library today, to return overdue library books, one, the Benfey, which I was greatly enjoying, but just crawling through, I'm at the part now where - weirdly resonantly for me - he's discussing Theseus and Ariadne, and the Minotaur and the Labyrinth. But I had to return it - I'd gotten the first of what promised to be a series of increasingly threatening overdue notices from the Mahopac branch - which I still don't even know where that is. But I have a mind to reserve the book again, and pick up where I left off. Truly, that book is, very labyrinthine, or geological, he's constantly tapping, surveying different layers very associatively... they don't obviously connect -- and yet I enjoy all that tap-tap-tapping, meandering, sounding, listening for the refracting, recording, and refracting back again...

I had a marvelous session this morning... this new toy has grown on me... I think it might actually be more effective than the old toy, the one that isn't even manufactured anymore. So I'll stick with this one.

I'm just hanging here, darling, not feeling very inspired, just fairly mellow, after the storm, and not just the one outside. I came home from the library, feeling absolutely ravenous, and stooped and dug through our fridge for a camembert I'd bought, and had had some yesterday... so where was it? I could not find it at all, and the more I stooped, and had to awkwardly reach into the fridge to search the shelves - it was missing. I felt so frustrated that I burst into hot angry tears - just for a moment. I found the wooden round in the freezer - maybe I had absentmindedly stuck it there yesterday after my snack, or maybe D. So now my camembert is thawing. So I snacked on leftover grilled salmon, scallion cream cheese, and a couple of thin baguette slices instead. And then had a devil of a time trying to uncork a white rioja. I mean, ridiculous -- all kinds of absolute physical exertion, straining, pulling, to no avail -- for a few moments, I possibly resembled an Olympian shotputter or weightlifter in trying my very hardest to uncork that bottle, dishcloth wrapped around corkscrew so as to not hurt my hands, and still that cork wouldn't budge, until I grunted and exerted myself with extra audible groaning force more -- and then the thing budged. Anyway, I did get it open -- but I didn't appreciate all that exertion. So after a small glass of the rioja, I'm on to screwtop rose wine...

Sort of the opposite of my sessions with myself... I let the batteries and the ingenious targeting machine do all the work... I simply, in my mind's eye, supply the imagery, and with my right hand do my best to tactically apply the tactile -- which actually takes a bit of doing -- it turns out, with this new toy, that I need to stay there and press harder, not meander about, no - stay right on the point. It won't go numb, it doesn't -- instead -- OMG... no, I don't break into coloratura arias, but instead, very very much inaudible absolute inversions, turning of myself inside-out, vocalized. So glad it was a cool day, this early June. I'd prudently shut the windows...

many kisses you
hope I see you soon - could it be?
that would be a joy
we'll see...

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