My dearest, the air is close and still, the sky a blank pall, it seems to be getting more humid, perhaps rain is coming, which would be welcome. I started out the day feeling anxious, it took a while to wear off. Amorphous anxiety, something that has plagued me my entire life, perhaps my main problem. I seem to have lost a 'follower' overnight, which shouldn't bother me in the least, I have no idea who the person is, why he decided to formally follow my blog in the first place (over a year ago I think, though I've lost track). It shouldn't make the slightest difference to me. And yet it was a tiny shock to see the (4) turn into (3). So, my response, in having as usual, no clue, no answers - vague anxiety. My blog is what it is. He may have chosen to formally follow it on some whim at the time, and then stayed out of politeness. Perhaps my blog was too much. Perhaps I do write too much. I am a little "out there" I know. I'm not for everybody, to say the least. Even now I don't know why I'm going on about this. Well, of course I wish whoever it was well, I hope he enjoyed what he read while he was around, and that's that - I hardly knew ye!
It's okay. I write for my beloved(s), and if others find any interest or enjoyment in my personal writing, that's entirely fine with me. I write under a pen name, though I suppose anyone who cared to dig could probably figure out my identity if they wanted to. It's a shred of privacy I retain for myself. I realize that I sometimes go out onto the far end of the very high diving board here, and that it may be shocking to some. But there's a part of me that, in fact, is affronted by the crudeness of much in our culture, and its concomitant repressedness - porn culture as the flipside of overly buttoned-up societal propriety. Or not so much buttoned-up - as false, that there's a denial of healthy instincts - that leads to the undergrounding, and raunching, of loving instincts. Anyway, I'm certainly not here to moralize or to set an example or anything of that nature. I'm simply here to try to put down what I'm feeling on a given day, going through, and I myself perceive my own experience, and what I write, as a contrast to what is fed to us daily by mainstream media.
Darling, I am so sorry I am being unclear. I am feeling particularly inarticulate at the moment. Another thing that really bothers me in our culture today is the hyper-polarization of the political parties, particularly the truly frightening extreme far-right wing. I could be wrong, but my instincts about them generally (aside from the obvious puppeteering by bottomlessly cash-rich corporate interests) is that their minions, at any rate - I tend to view them as a bitter, repressed, narrowminded, provincial, meanspirited, hatemongering, loveless lot. To me they are akin to terrorists. They seem to be a very different species of human being from me. I mean that figuratively - except that viscerally I feel it quite literally. So anyway, without being overtly 'prescriptive' - my blog isn't about anything than myself, I'm not selling anything, not even an idea - but if I wish to resist in some way this species of human being that I find, frankly, psychotic and demotic, bent on twisting and destroying gentler ways of life that I hold dear - then all I can do is to try, as truthfully as I can in my own way, for my self, and for my beloved muses who I feel sure love me back - that's all I can do, just be this presence, who amid all the noise, and acrimony, and dysfunction, says --- how was your day dearest, I hope you are doing all right, and I thought of you very much today, including effectively, and I'm putting my arms around you and kissing you hello. Take my hand, and too this delicious glass of something, and follow me, let's go out into the garden, tell me about your day.
XOXO my love