wherefores of blogging, the other on an age-old relationship problem.
I wish I had a mother, a protective family, anyone, I could turn to for advice. I wonder how any couple can really seriously emotionally faithfully last through a marriage of 50 years. I don't see how that's possible if one is "alive" as opposed to sleepwalking. My parents made no pretense of having an edifice. That was a damaging thing. But propping up a false edifice - that doesn't seem right either. I respect boundaries truly - but was that incredibly sexy, vibrant, desirable, flirtatious woman truly monogamous for 50-plus years, including the last ten when her husband's been incapacitated? Did she really check everything at the door? Does she truly live so completely vicariously through her children, et al? I find it confusing. I don't know.
I think this is one of those conversations that I wish I could have while lying in your arms. There really are questions that I have, not so much personal ones, about specifics of your marriage, or mine, or anything like that. More, broader existential ones. I found myself thinking this afternoon (as I noted in my journal) "I can completely forgive you for being married to someone else, because you met her before you met me, years and years before." (It's harder for me, with the other one.)
Marriages, these long-lived ones, when we've been in them for so very long, decades. Each one that I think of is so different.
Anyway! Darling darlings. I used to go skating by myself. I'd encounter a little girl friend or two there, and supervising adults from a makeshift stand poured hot chocolate from thermoses, or maybe a pot. So I'd make my way around, burn calories, work out problems as I went round and round, and I'd drink some cocoa, do up and then undo the skates, I'd make my way upright for a while and occasionally fall, and then I'd return the skates and make my way past the community center that was no longer my beloved old elementary school. After it burned down its students, me included, were bused in makeshift ways to various schools all over town, my huge town - who ever knew there was a school attached to the Greek Church of the Archangels? And yet there in the afternoon shift, I spent the remainder of first grade, and part of second - not sure now, honestly, where in town that was!
Darlings, will let you go. But if you have it all better figured out than I do... well - oh, I don't know that you do. Maybe.