Wednesday, June 1, 2011

My dearest, up in the aerie, it's hot & sultry, threatening storms all day but so far nothing but ominous shudders and haphazard spritzes. I've had a fun relaxing day. I had the car, D went with neighbor to train station to pick up Subaru her husband had left there yesterday on his return for the work week to the city. Mi Subaru, su Subaru, O said to D over the weekend - meaning that whenever D needs to use it in a pinch - feel free. (These are the same neighbors who utterly give me the cold shoulder - but they love D. Talk about running hot & cold. Maybe that's what it is, quite literally, because I can't imagine how I might have crossed them.) (Am I, to them, a Baba Jaga?) Okay, when D can take the Subaru for a day - his Ford Focus, my Ford Focus.

Which was just plain convenient, of course, so I could take my time running various errands, take breaks in between. I had a one-day-only 40% off coupon for the stripmall department store, and found a gorgeous blouse there that must have just arrived, I'm sure it wasn't there last week. A second blouse to go with my basic black skirt. I am so happy with this blouse! It's very pretty, and formfitting, and flattering, and I feel very very attractive in it. I think you would enjoy taking it off me.
I drove around rural creation, other parts, today and the thought crossed my mind as I sighed audibly for the umpteenth time - while clutching the steering wheel, enjoying the sensation of my nice new elegant outfit and my hair pinned up, so happy that I've been keeping up with the walks & the workouts all this time, that it all paid off, that blouse really does look great on me, oh my love, sigh - Darling, do you know how many times throughout the day I breathe, oh my love, or oh darling, or kochanie, or utter your name? A hell of a lot is all I can say.   (Oh darling.)

After I bought the blouse I drove across vast parking lot acreage to the supermarket, where clearly it was my morning to be there - I scored a bouquet of two-dozen roses for $2.50. I have roses all over the house now, for a song.
And so with that savings, and after a visit to the little town library north of me, I detoured east to Chatham, pastoral expensive toney horse-country, to the sheepherding farm, the self-serve fridge in a barn-red leanto shed at the end of the drive, for camembert to go with that salubrious bread from the other day, plus (because I had paid all of $12 for the new blouse with my coupon) a splurge on a $10 wedge of sheep's milk blue cheese. Darling - I shopped local - right at the source local.

Anyway all great fun, and relaxing, and then I had a bit of a siesta, which was fun, and fell asleep for a few minutes too, the combination of which ("snap") was revivifying.

It's awfully sticky right now, darling, must be in the upper eighties at least, and the highest humidity you can get without rain actually falling. The weather's supposed to break overnight, with storms I guess - it's supposed to be in the low 70s tomorrow, so perhaps I'll do a tiny bit of gardening (stoking myself to do so), plant seedling zinnias and cosmos I started from seed.

Not sure what dinner is - the form in which it will be cooked, that is. Before he left for work this morning D said he wouldn't mind grilling tonight. So I bought a whole chicken at the market, and I've peeled a few carrots, and washed and pierced a few russets, and put broccoli in a pot to steam. So either he'll grill these ingredients (save the broccoli) or I'll be roasting them.

Darling, oh darling. I think about you so much. You know I never mentioned when I went to T'town and stayed the night the following morning we all went to church, me included, but then they stayed on longer for whatever reason and I returned to the house, and I looked - quite on purpose, with purpose - through a few photo albums on their bookshelves, looking for images of you. And I did find one, not one of you by yourself, but with your family, in the Jersey kitchen, and you were just beaming, looking absolutely delighted, everyone (your wife, daughters circling you) laughing, as if at a good hearty joke, or it was just a really good time. I loved that image of you though, grinning so very broadly. I think the photo's from a few years ago, but not many years ago. Anyway - that's my sneaky little confession. I replaced the albums carefully as I could on the shelf, just as I had found them.

And beyond that, I have a collection of other images of you, or of you and me together (since I was there to perceive you) in my mind, that I go through, one image at a time, again and again. And they're not just visual. Today, for example, I thought about how I put my arms around you that day that I'd arrived, when I realized it was you, and the sensation of holding you for as long as I dared, a split second longer, and then reaching up to kiss your cheek, before letting you go, and you just standing there -

My love, wherever you are
sigh - big hug - kiss
imagining the sensation
- of your beautiful lips

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